You always think that you will have more time. Why is that?
I am not an open person. Many parts of my life have been difficult, and I was raised to keep it to myself. “Our business is nobody else’s”. Except sometimes it is. Sometimes there are people who can and will help you, but are never given the chance.
I am turning 30. I never meant to get here and still be afraid. I thought I would say what I needed to. I always thought there would be more time. This last year I have made strides to be a better me. Not someone else, not even an ideal version of myself, but my true self. My better self. Healthier both physically and mentally, greener, frugal, less wasteful, truer. I wanted to be a person who gives honest answers and feedback. A person who sticks up for themselves, not only others. A person that has passion and shares it. I have made strides. It has not always been easy, but I can say that I tried.
Last week I received some very bad news. The man that I called ‘Dad’ for a very large part of my childhood passed away. He had cancer. I had no idea.
Situations, mostly out of my control, pushed him out of my life. For a brief time in my mid twenties I thought we could repair some of the damage. I was brave, and said the things I needed to. And he was brave, and said things I didn’t understand. I felt that he was pushing me away. He seemed almost upset that I hadn’t made more effort to repair the relationship with my biological father. I didn’t understand. But maybe he did. Maybe, he knew something I didn’t. As my wedding grew near I made a foolish decision. After much swaying by selfish people, and my own (stomach churning) fear of getting in a fight with that selfish person, I let him go. I didn’t argue, or pursue. I din’t fight. I relinquished. That was 5 years ago. Now he is gone.
So now I learn the hard way. The lessons I could have, should have, learned from made-for-tv movies, and the books I so adore reading. Now I fight. There are people in this world who don’t even realize how selfish they are. People that can’t seem to help but make your whole world all about them. I am done with those people. I will fight, and I will argue, and I will take my Dad’s parting advice. “Give him a chance.”
To Dave, wherever you are now. Know that I loved you, and will always be grateful for the childhood you gave me. You were a great dad, no matter what happened.
And to my Dad, I am ready.
Here’s to giving out chances to the ones who deserve them, and letting go of the people who have used all of there’s up!