Right Now

I am sad.

 Right now I’m lying in my bed, a restless 4 year old by my side. My tiny son breathing gently in his bassinet. My little girl is sleeping soundly in her room. My giant 6 year old is sleeping too. My husband is playing video games downstairs and I hear him laughing and joking with mumbly voices in his headset. I am grateful to be safe right now. I am grateful that my family is here with me. That my children are sleeping soundly. That the scariest thing they’ve experienced is a day without screens for acting up. 

Tomorrow I will wake to the sound of tiny voices. Laughing and bright. Telling stories, showing me things, asking what we’re having for dinner (because they still haven’t figured out the breakfast/lunch/dinner system). And I will get busy. And I will laugh with them. Smile with them. Breath with them. I will be caught up in my life, in my gratitude. 

But, right now? It feels like the world is falling apart. The “what if’s” are creeping in. This world is convulsing in pain and I can feel it in my bones. 

So for right now, 

I am sad.