Candice Buttons

Soul Searching

Spirit: noun The non-physical part of a person which is the seat of emotions and character; the soul.*

Spiritual: adjective Relating to or affecting the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things.*

This morning I flipped through e-mails on my phone while baking Banana Peanut Butter Bars. The kids were working through some homemade apple sauce in their chairs. After deleting a bunch of junk mail, I came across a new post on a blog I follow (newly re-titled) ‘Naiad and the Moon of’. (As some of you know, since I have mentioned Melissa here before) Her post Spirituality, Religion, and a UFO is the reason I am (finally) writing this post. Not a comment, more than a response, but a tipping off point. A safe place to launch.

First, a tiny ode to Melissa. When I came across her blog one day, I instantly liked it. We are both young (ish) Moms, trying to nourish happy, healthy kids. We both took fashion design. So the basics were there. As I’ve read on though, I have begun to feel much more of a link between us. As I read this post, tea in hand, warmed by the heat of my oven, the first words I thought to myself were ‘kindred spirits’. She shares so much of her search for meaning and belief, and I do not. Her posts, almost always, remind me of the things I once believed in or am searching for in myself and my world. I am appreciative. We may not ‘know’ each other, but I think she will be one of the only people to truly understand why, I would call her Sister.

In her post she wrote of ‘synchronicity’. I too believe that there are things put in our path for a reason. Just last night I was scouring the web for Scotland’s oldest religions, only to open my e-mail this morning and come across this post! There is no doubt in my mind, that it is time to share my search as well.

My Mammy believes in God. She has always, and will always. After my miscarriage, I lay curled up against her on my aunts couch. Stroking my hair, her words of comfort were “God is good”. It pained me. She gave birth to 9 babies, but not without loss. One miscarriage, and twins lost at 7 months due to a fall, and after all that she believed. I will say that, although she believes, fundamentally, in God, she has always been searching for the best way to do it. She’s been Catholic, Jehovah’s Witness, and Baptiste, and I’m not even sure if she would call herself by any of those titles now. She is a believer. And that is what I find myself in awe off. Her ability to find comfort and reason through her belief. That she does it so freely, and without question. She is confident.

I don’t believe in a one God the way that she does. I do believe in a higher power. Not a plan maker, people sculptor, or tree carpenter, but something that connects us all. Not just people either. The planet. Animals, nature, people. We can’t survive without the others. There is something in us. An energy, that connects and binds through each other, and through the ages. Yes, it would be nice if all of my beliefs came in a handy organized religion. That someone had put together a booklet mapping it all out, but I don’t think that is the point. If there is a God in the way my grandmother believes, I think He would be proud that I never stopped searching.

I’ve always been fascinated with ancient customs. Who were we? Three sides of my lineage is Scottish**. When I was young I imagined I would live there. Build a faerie sanctuary in my backyard, and be free in all the lush green and fog. I would shear my sheep and knit them sweaters so that they wouldn’t be cold. Lately I’ve been very interested in who these people were. Before Christianity, before The Celts and The Druids. The first people of Stone Circles, of Solstice, of nature. What did they believe. There lives were ruled by sun up and down, by the life and death of seasonal change. They believed in connection. The circle (stone or otherwise;)

When I was young, we used to drive by the Jewish Cemetery by our house. I told my mom that when I died, I wanted to go there. All cast iron gates, and stars calling my name. She told me, I’d have to be Jewish, and for a very long time, I was more than okay with that!  That is where my journey began. I’m going to keep searching, putting the pieces together, researching. Changing my life every day to be a better me.

There are things I want for my life and my family, this is just part of the search.

xxo

C

*Oxford Dictionanary

**I’m also researching the Ibo people by way of Grenada, from my Mammy’s side.

2 thoughts on “Soul Searching”

  1. Aww Candice, what a beautiful post. I feel so honored.

    And I’ve also had dreams of living in the UK (Ireland more than Scottland) with the faeries, fog, and sheep–maybe in an old stone home, with a dirt floor even.

    We do have so much in common, lots of connections. ❤

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