I’d love to tell you that I’m sailing into 37, but it’s defiantly more of a crash landing. The last couple months have been exhausting. Nothing huge, just a bunch of little things not quite working out right. I’ve been feeling very unsettled and frustrated. I’m…out of sorts.
I’m suddenly very aware of turning 40. 40 years on this planet, and if we’re honest, I don’t feel like I have much to show for it. This isn’t about my family either. They’re good. I still really like my husband (and people who have been together for a million years know what I’m talking about here. You can love someone and not necessarily like them. It’s a thing. I really like him though!), my kids are dope as hell. They drive me bonkers some days, but they’re solid smallish humans and I like hanging out with them. It’s not about them, and that’s kind of the issue…
As much as I’ve tried to hold onto the “me” in all this adulting and parenting, I’m now realising I never really had a “me” in the first place. When did I have time? When did I have the freedom? I spent most of my younger years worried sick (sick) about other peoples problem, feelings, tempers… I spent my teens just staying away from home. You have no idea how much energy goes into “hanging around” anywhere but your house. By the time I was old enough to get going I was already burned out.
I’m safe. I’m loved. I’m not unhappy. My day to day is mostly enjoyable. When I was little Candy I wanted to be a mom, a teacher, and a writer. I’m homeschooling my kids and writing this blog, so I do feel like I’m on the right track, but there are days when I watch other people succeed while all of my own hard work goes mostly unnoticed. And it’s hard when you’re genuinely happy for their success, but you’re also a little jealous. I guess I’m just trying to figure out what adult Candice wants. Who am I at 37? Who do I want to be. There’s so much life left to live, but am I really living it? Or, I suppose the question is, am I living it the way I really want to be?
I started a bullet journal, I’m exploring my love of witchy things/pagan things/my obeah roots, I’m listening to new music, I’m being selective about who I follow, who I associate with, which relationships I pour my energy into. I’ve already dedicated this decade to being brave and being bold. I’m dedicating 37 to connecting with self and nature. Finding my self and my place. Being me, whoever that turns out to be…
Life is a journey so let’s get wandering!